Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 7:56 pm Post subject: Australians are this?
wahtis this? From Australians are like this?
WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a
free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ######. We come from
many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and
although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to
bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's
Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is
the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big
horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that
"it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it
is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar ,thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to
keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where
else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim
to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the
men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere
on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our
way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God
probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next??
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy
when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better
than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political
party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still
not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave
that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So
what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love
sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race
and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting,
two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies,
the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known
universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little
people, at least we feel better for it.
You are, I am, we are Australian. _________________ yes
I first saw this article about three years ago. It pops up from time to time with modifications. The following extract must have been done by a "sandgroper" ("West Australian" as they like to call themselves) ...
"...Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business..." _________________ EXPAT IN CHINA
XinBiao - loved this. wicked smart and wicked funny, but oh so true of the aussies. have stolen it and posted it on my blog. thanks for a clever piece!
Big Pol die old man. He die in Thai we burn Big Pol in Kampuchea maby Mr Toopooker you learn go Srisaket ask outsider people they show you _________________ Every Day I say
"I am proud to be born Khmer"
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