Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told
her husband that she had slept over at her girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his
wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of
them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her, (Although I probably shouldn't), because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
It works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning, and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he's told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"
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