Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 11:24 am Post subject: The Rottenest Sickest, Worst, PUN of-the-day
Top this if you can
These Friars were behind on their Belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise some funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down. Of course they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close..... but they now just ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, meanest and most vicious thug in to to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their shop.
They immediately did so..... and the moral of the story
You had your chance...... I asked very nice for you to out gross this [previous pun ] and no one even tried..... come on guys, even you lurkers need to exercise your fingers once in a while... You didn't, and .... well .... now your punishment is coming....
===========================================
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefooted most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him .......
[This will punish you for posting]
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v
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v
A super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
Next time when you are requested to post a pun you'd better or it can still get worse..
Come on somebody's got to have a sickie out there .....
Let me take you on a journey.
Across to America, and back in time to the early days of the white settlers.
One day a fur trapper was riding along when he saw a small band of Indians, one of whom had a small lad tied across his saddle. Realising that he must be a captive from another tribe, the trapper decided to rescue him.
Having a gun, whilst the Indians only had bows and 'arrers, the trapper made short shrift (what is a long shrift??) of the indians and rescued the lad.
Upon taking him to his own tribal village, the trapper was greeted with cheers and jubilation, for the lad turned out to be the son of the Chief.
Accordingly, the Chief decided to hold a feast in the trappers honour.
A fantastic feast was prepared and they all sat, ate, drank and celebrated.
Towards the end of the feast, the Chief told the trapper that as a reward for rescuing his son, he could have his pick of any of the chiefs daughters.
The Chief then led him into the tent where, in front of him, was a beautiful indian maid, seated on a bear skin.
He was examining her, when he realised that there was another, even more beautful maiden, seated on a deer skin.
Glancing around, he saw the third daughter, a girl whose beauty eclipsed that of the first two.
The only thing was, he couldnt identify the skin she was seated upon, and being a fur trapper, this concerned him.
He asked the chief what the skin was, and was told that they had exchanged it with another tribe, and that it was a hippopotamus skin.
Whilst this exchange was going on, the trapper had studied the three girls and decided that the last one was the one he wanted, and this he told the Chief.
The Chief replied, "You have chosen wisely, for that is the most valuable of my daughters".
"In fact, the squaw on the hippopotamus is worth the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".
Let me take you on a journey.
Across to America, and back in time to the early days of the white settlers.
One day a fur trapper was riding along when he saw a small band of Indians, one of whom had a small lad tied across his saddle. Realising that he must be a captive from another tribe, the trapper decided to rescue him.
Having a gun, whilst the Indians only had bows and 'arrers, the trapper made short shrift (what is a long shrift??) of the indians and rescued the lad.
Upon taking him to his own tribal village, the trapper was greeted with cheers and jubilation, for the lad turned out to be the son of the Chief.
Accordingly, the Chief decided to hold a feast in the trappers honour.
A fantastic feast was prepared and they all sat, ate, drank and celebrated.
Towards the end of the feast, the Chief told the trapper that as a reward for rescuing his son, he could have his pick of any of the chiefs daughters.
The Chief then led him into the tent where, in front of him, was a beautiful indian maid, seated on a bear skin.
He was examining her, when he realised that there was another, even more beautful maiden, seated on a deer skin.
Glancing around, he saw the third daughter, a girl whose beauty eclipsed that of the first two.
The only thing was, he couldnt identify the skin she was seated upon, and being a fur trapper, this concerned him.
He asked the chief what the skin was, and was told that they had exchanged it with another tribe, and that it was a hippopotamus skin.
Whilst this exchange was going on, the trapper had studied the three girls and decided that the last one was the one he wanted, and this he told the Chief.
The Chief replied, "You have chosen wisely, for that is the most valuable of my daughters".
"In fact, the squaw on the hippopotamus is worth the sum of the squaws on the other two hides".
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar while smoking hashish and
chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
The first Arab pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures,
and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.
"Yes, and this is my second son. He's a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his friend.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Walking home from work one day, Fred chanced to look in the window of a pet shop.
There, for sale, he saw a cage of golden hamsters at a price that he thought was very high.
Sensing a business opportunity, Fred went in and purchased half-a-dozen hamsters, plus a cage and food for them.
Within a very short time, the six hamsters had become ten, then fifteen and then twenty.
Fred tried to sell them, but even though he sold a few, they bred even faster.
25, 30, 50.
In fact, there wasn’t the market for that number of hamsters, and Fred’s sales didn’t make a dent in the numbers that were breeding.
60,80,100.
Eventually, Fred decided to give up the idea, and in a fit of rage, killed all the remaining hamsters.
Suddenly, he has a large pile of dead hamsters. What to do with them?
Fred decided to cook them.
Tipping the whole lot into a large saucepan, Fred added a load of sugar, hoping that the resulting concoction would be ideal to spread on his toast for breakfast.
He tried it, but the taste was REVOLTING.
In disgust, he took the whole lot into the garden, dug a hole and tipped it in.
The following year, Fred was surprised to see, growing from that very spot, masses of beautiful flowers.
In fact, he shouldn’t have been surprised, for as everyone knows, you get tulips from hamster jam.
Walking home from work one day, Fred chanced to look in the window of a pet shop.
There, for sale, he saw a cage of golden hamsters at a price that he thought was very high.
Sensing a business opportunity, Fred went in and purchased half-a-dozen hamsters, plus a cage and food for them.
Within a very short time, the six hamsters had become ten, then fifteen and then twenty.
Fred tried to sell them, but even though he sold a few, they bred even faster.
25, 30, 50.
In fact, there wasn’t the market for that number of hamsters, and Fred’s sales didn’t make a dent in the numbers that were breeding.
60,80,100.
Eventually, Fred decided to give up the idea, and in a fit of rage, killed all the remaining hamsters.
Suddenly, he has a large pile of dead hamsters. What to do with them?
Fred decided to cook them.
Tipping the whole lot into a large saucepan, Fred added a load of sugar, hoping that the resulting concoction would be ideal to spread on his toast for breakfast.
He tried it, but the taste was REVOLTING.
In disgust, he took the whole lot into the garden, dug a hole and tipped it in.
The following year, Fred was surprised to see, growing from that very spot, masses of beautiful flowers.
In fact, he shouldn’t have been surprised, for as everyone knows, you get tulips from hamster jam. _________________ The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.- P. J. O'Rourke
Walking home from work one day, Fred chanced to look in the window of a pet shop.
There, for sale, he saw a cage of golden hamsters at a price that he thought was very high.
Sensing a business opportunity, Fred went in and purchased half-a-dozen hamsters, plus a cage and food for them.
Within a very short time, the six hamsters had become ten, then fifteen and then twenty.
Fred tried to sell them, but even though he sold a few, they bred even faster.
25, 30, 50.
In fact, there wasn’t the market for that number of hamsters, and Fred’s sales didn’t make a dent in the numbers that were breeding.
60,80,100.
Eventually, Fred decided to give up the idea, and in a fit of rage, killed all the remaining hamsters.
Suddenly, he has a large pile of dead hamsters. What to do with them?
Fred decided to cook them.
Tipping the whole lot into a large saucepan, Fred added a load of sugar, hoping that the resulting concoction would be ideal to spread on his toast for breakfast.
He tried it, but the taste was REVOLTING.
In disgust, he took the whole lot into the garden, dug a hole and tipped it in.
The following year, Fred was surprised to see, growing from that very spot, masses of beautiful flowers.
In fact, he shouldn’t have been surprised, for as everyone knows, you get tulips from hamster jam.
Walking home from work one day, Fred chanced to look in the window of a pet shop.
There, for sale, he saw a cage of golden hamsters at a price that he thought was very high.
Sensing a business opportunity, Fred went in and purchased half-a-dozen hamsters, plus a cage and food for them.
Within a very short time, the six hamsters had become ten, then fifteen and then twenty.
Fred tried to sell them, but even though he sold a few, they bred even faster.
25, 30, 50.
In fact, there wasn’t the market for that number of hamsters, and Fred’s sales didn’t make a dent in the numbers that were breeding.
60,80,100.
Eventually, Fred decided to give up the idea, and in a fit of rage, killed all the remaining hamsters.
Suddenly, he has a large pile of dead hamsters. What to do with them?
Fred decided to cook them.
Tipping the whole lot into a large saucepan, Fred added a load of sugar, hoping that the resulting concoction would be ideal to spread on his toast for breakfast.
He tried it, but the taste was REVOLTING.
In disgust, he took the whole lot into the garden, dug a hole and tipped it in.
The following year, Fred was surprised to see, growing from that very spot, masses of beautiful flowers.
In fact, he shouldn’t have been surprised, for as everyone knows, you get tulips from hamster jam.
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers; hens, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the pullets.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result - the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Once upon a time, in Africa, there lived a tribal king. Now this king ruled sitting on a wooden throne, and although it was quite a nice chair, he didn’t think it worthy of his kingliness. So he decided to trick his subjects into buying him another throne. He hid the wooden throne in his hut, and told his subjects that an enemy had taken it. They resolved that their king should have a new, better throne, and so bought him a golden throne with many jewels in it. He used this for a while and was happy, until one day a lightning bolt started a fire near his house. Since his house was made of grass and sticks it burnt down, revealing the wooden throne in the middle. The subjects were furious and threw their king out.
So...............................................
...................................................
...................................................
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones _________________
Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 3:43 am Post subject: Lazt Frog
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" _________________ EXPAT IN CHINA
Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 7:28 am Post subject: Re: Lazt Frog
Wocca wrote:
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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